TTB #5: "A. Guy Maligned" at What Women Never Hear

http://wwnh.wordpress.com

You blogging? If you wanna be successful, you gotta have a hook. Any lameass who wants to start a new blog but doesn't know how (loser) will type "how to blog" into Google only to find that blogs should be centered loosely around a theme. So, for example, The Sartorialist (no, don't troll that one) (well, go ahead if you must) is all about men who wear their trousers too high and women who are apparently just about to attend niche, elaborate costume parties. And this blog is about calling out utter asstusks for being utter asstusks. That sort of thing.

It turns out that another way to be successful is to write as if you're that new kind of spam that came out recently--you know, where a bunch of random sentences from various books appear at the bottom in order to fool your spam filter.

No, seriously, right. There's this old dude (silver surfers FTW though) running a blog called What Women Never Hear. It's part anti-feminist advice column, part Faulkneresque stream-of-consciousness dream sequence.

So:

♀♂ Women reject this truism for making marriage work: Before marriage he should prove himself worthy of her. That is, she makes him the seller and her the buyer. He peddles all his strengths, and she evaluates his character and likelihood of delivery on his promises. After marriage, she keeps herself worthy of him. That is, she becomes the seller and peddles rewards for his husbanding and fathering.

♀ Pregnant women duplicate men with big beer bellies. They use tight clothing and masculinize motherhood. Fashion before sexiness, attractiveness, and femininity—not what men appreciate.

♀ Thirtysomething women without kids have no outlet for their mothering instinct. So, they parent their man.

♀ Wives treat husbands much less respectfully than they treat boyfriends, lovers, and shack up partners. Two effects: Husbands dump wives more easily. Other men see what happens, avoid marriage, and go for shack up.

♀ Women condemn the male ego, as if they have none of their own. The feminist movement made the female ego explode. Activists took advantage.

♀ Men seek a woman that accepts him as he is and wants to stay. Women nevertheless think they can or should change their man.
-206. Female malpractice — Part 5

That is the whole post. And yes, I mostly get what he's saying (what's the pregnancy bit about though?). I guess I'm mainly wondering why he used those particular words in that particular order.

Anyway, yes, when you do bother to untangle his extremely strange way of writing, and when you're amused enough to read more, you sometimes find other, less opaque posts like this:

Men receive distinct sexual messages from every woman, and it starts with boob display. Women have three options. Two accept and one resists male dominance.

The first option causes women to minimize their influence over each man they encounter. Maximum cleavage or near-nipple exposure focuses men on sex instead of the female and her other qualities. Her obvious immodesty relieves and sometimes is taken as condemnation of masculine self-restraint. It signals that she welcomes masculine-style sexual freedom—whether she does or not is moot, because he perceives it—and this shifts her into a player in the man’s game and seller instead of buyer after he conquers her. This immodest option captures a man’s attention, but sex does not bond men; it leads to temporary relationships because he never focuses on her enough to make her a keeper. This option endorses the man’s game of wham, bam, thank you, mam. By displaying her endowments so immodestly, she yields relationship control to him.

The second option causes women to discourage men or ignore messages she’s trying to send. Boobs well covered and shapeless regardless of size shift manly focus to other women. Sweatshirt-covered and other bosom-shaped displays indicate age. Other women just look better. Big, shapeless, and comfortable for her won’t reduce his eagerness for conquest, but it reduces his enthusiasm for her as keeper. Wives often resort to comfort—even to sloppiness—without realizing the impact on husband. It’s not modesty, but her shapeless boobs or breasts without ‘character’ that push men toward other women, and husbands are men.

The third option empowers women to maximize their feminine impact on men, and women need to display this way for all men in order to find the right man. Very modest cover with two, albeit small, distinct boobs pointed uncomfortably high and perky forces decent men to focus on her eyes and other qualities in order to maximize his persuasiveness. She appears not only hard-to-get, but is implying ♫na, ♫na, ♫na, ♫na, ♫na, ♫na to his face—look but don’t even think about touching. Her appearance and attitude force the hunter-conqueror to plan for a long campaign. This empowers her to keep his attention focused on her and not on sex and for her to dominate their relationship before his conquest. Highly stressed modesty and two high and perky boobs blended into a non-sexual ‘in your face’ attitude can easily overpower male dominance. Men wilt under this kind of feminine determination, unless they are only after sex in the first place, which should empower her to put him back in the parade.

How women display their boobs shapes whether they handle men with female bossiness or get manhandled with masculine brusqueness. Women are in charge, as always, and her well-designed offense can beat his offense most of the time.
-12. Boob language—Part 1

But. Once grown, my boobs were never small, and if I wanted to attempt to make them uncomfortably high and perky I'd need to have a personal account manager at Rigby and Peller. What do I do, Mr. Maligned? What do I do?

Anyway, he's got a whole SERIES on "boob language," folks. A series. I don't care if he's in his 70s and things were different way back when, when breasts were first discovered. You don't get to talk about "boob language." You just don't. And do you know why you don't? You don't because it makes you an asshole.

There are lots more reasons to Troll This Blog, but the boob language thing is a good start.